Sunday, October 16, 2005

I had a recital last night with my trio. We performed together, and each of us also played a number of solos. My Danse Macabre I saved for the finale, and by then I was feeling pretty comfortable with the audience. Each performance is a little different, and I take something new away from it. Last night, I don't know if it was the full moon or what, but for a segment of time, I wasn't just entertaining the people, I was Evil. The Danse Macabre is, after all, an evil piece--but in a childish way, so that no one gets hurt. It was as though instead of reciting the phrases in my best acting voice, for a moment I wasn't sure if I was acting or if I had actually convinced myself, too. Do I belive in black magic and ghosts and dancing skeletons? I think not! Thank God the rooster breaks the spell so I can go home with a sane, decent mind.

...I would be lying, though, to say that my devotion to mastering it hasn't affected my psyche somehow. I have become increasingly morbid. I love thinking about death sometimes, since it's something we all do eventually. It doesn't scare me at all; it fascinates me. I personally don't want to die at this time, but I have been enjoying my role as the observer, noting its increasing presence as the seasons change over, watching the frost take its victims and bare the branches once more. Is it sinister? Is it bad? It's part of creation, just like being born--yet, I think that there is an element of darkness in autumn. In a perfect world, we wouldn't have seasons because there would be no death. Death is a result of the Fall. But I like it! I like the yellows and the smell of musty earth and rotting leaves.

I like playing Danse Macabre as a celebration of the glorious side of death (if that's what you could call it without being irreverent).


Blogger CamoBunny said...

that's interesting.

i think about death and dying a lot too, not only because i deal with it at work, but because i long to be finished with life here and begin a new one in heaven. in my mind death is a passage, even though in reality it might be a process.

i'm not afraid of death. i welcome the idea of going to heaven. i just need to learn how not to be afraid to live through dying.

4:57 AM  
Blogger puffintoad said...

I thought about what I wrote and the fact that my life has been largely untouched by death. I have an odd view, since I have had so many incidents where I have cheated death--or rather, I was spared from death. It makes me extra appreciative to be alive, aware of my frailty and complete lack of control. Yet, there is another reaction that springs from these experiences: a feeling of immunity. I know, I'm not. But that's how I feel sometimes. In some ways, I suppose the feeling is actually legitimate, if you were to think along spiritual lines instead of physical.

3:53 PM  
Blogger CamoBunny said...

yah, i was going to say, even your "morbid" and "evil" is kinda gleeful.

i guess it's valid. i'm totally convinced that you (meaning you puffintoad, not you people in general) won't die until you're supposed to. in fact, i was arguing with ray that there are many times when you SHOULD have died but you did not, and what it means when i say SHOULD. i guess the same applies for me.

i'm convinced. i dislike life so much, i want to go to heaven so badly, that the only reason why i'm still here must be that He wants me to heal children. i am pretty sure that i went to that church retreat, for example, solely for the purpose of saving that kid's life. i think my earthly future is going to be one involving healing kids' hearts. i guess that's okay. so i guess i'm not supposed to die before that happens. that means i've got a few years left.

it's a little bit like that joke you'll occasionally see thumbtacked up on office cubicle walls. there's a picture of calvin (watterson-esque, but a cheap knock-off) scowling, and it says something like, "God has put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. right now i am so far behind i will never die..."

sometimes i can't even tell what the letters are in the word verification. pjsaispv?

6:59 PM  
Blogger puffintoad said...

Right now, you have no idea what is around the corner. In the times of my life when I wanted to be done with it all, I chose to believe that there must be something else I could look forward to experiencing in the future, and that this was the reason I would have hope still.

That was the only thing that got me out of bed some days.

Immunity. Sometimes, I'm so certain of my agenda and my goals, I don't even question my future, it's that concrete. Tell me, is it a God-given hunch, or an illusion? Either way, I'd rather live in the confidence of my present state and go on as if it will continue forever than worry and dread the day I depart with things left unfinished. It's inevitable, that I will not fit everything into my lifespan. Not even if I lived to 120.

1:19 AM  

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